Blog of a Stockham Student

"I'm sick and tired, of always being sick and tired"

It's late (well not really but most people I know are in bed by now) and I can't sleep and it's partly due to all the thoughts going through my head. I'm trying so hard to be positive at the moment but to tell the truth I feel crushed and I'm not sure why. It's probably partly due to hormones which have been ravaging me quite ferociously lately for reasons unknown and this is leaving me feeling a bit unbalanced. I'm also feeling a bit fragile, partly because I've put myself out there on the line and I'm not getting much back in return. But most importantly I'm feeling angry. Angry at myself for letting me get like this. Angry at other people who obviously have a problem with me and therefore are causing things with my closest friend to become awkward. Angry at letting myself get caught up in something yet again for the second time this year and not learning from my mistakes. Angry at being indecisive most of the time. Angry at pretending to be blase about things to please other people. Angry at telling people exactly what they want to hear. Angry at not being able to read people sometimes. Angry at having to always second guess people and establish the double meanings to what they say in order to keep me sane. Angry at always believing the worst. Angry at not seeing what other people like in me. Angry at making just being with me hard work for other people. Angry at doubting everything and everyone. Angry at snapping at people all the time. Angry at making things hard for myself. Angry at people for not telling me the truth, or being too cowardly to admit it. I just want honesty, that's all I ask. From previous experience it's obvious that the male of the species have a problem with honesty in all forms.

I'm talking directly to 2 people in particular, both of which will never read this probably but it's here for them in case they feel the need to.

To you: If you find it weird seeing me then tell me, don't let me find out from other people. Ok so things are a lot different now than at Christmas but that doesn't mean we can't be friends. I accepted things before you did obviously, I just asked for your help that was all I was seeking, nothing more, but you had other ideas. I guess I never let myself grieve for things (yes, grieve that's what you do when things come to an end) and that's why I'm angry now, I never hated you though, never. I understand and I hope you understand too.

To you: Be honest with me. Where do you see things going? I'm too fragile to put up with much crap from anyone, let alone you. I've told you kind of how I feel, but how do you feel about things? I find myself reeling from things that you say to me every single day. But then I'm foolish, I think we established that earlier. Perhaps it's just the distance at the moment, maybe things will be different when I next see you. Will things be different when we get back to uni? I guess I'm just scared of being used and thrown away, discarded like some chew toy. By all means use me, but within a stable environment.

I find it easier to type when I have someone to direct my writing to. I think its rather therapeutic also. I'd just like to point out to everyone that I'm not really depressed at the moment, I may merely come across like that sometimes but I don't mean to be. I'm rather pessimistic by default.

posted by Em @ 12:23:00 am